Cry, Baby Cry

The one in which Amardeep spends sleepless nights, walking up and down, waiting for his baby to fall asleep; thinks about reciting poetry to him while walking ("the sound of iambic pentameter is said to be soporific"); but ends up singing Beatles songs ("Cry, baby cry/ Make your mothers sigh") and travesties of old Hindi film songs about sleeplessness instead -

It seems to me the trope of sleeplessness in Hindi film songs comes from Urdu and Persian poetry, where lovers take great pride in their romantic insomnia. It's definitely a little irreverent to play with the tradition in this way, but really, why not? As they say (and again, I'm travestying it), whatever gets you through the night...

The Devil, by the way, is humming "Raat Baaki, Baat Baaki". The Devil, as all of you know, is a sadist.

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Related Posts: Breastfeeding the Little Devil, Wicked, Wicked Baby, The Backroom Guide to Eating Out in Mumbai

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Beatles, Babies

It's a Nose Thing

The one in which Primalsoup is not allowed to pierce her nose because her mother thought that it would destroy her only redeeming feature -

(The nose) is one thing that couldn’t go through much damage with age and allied discomforts. I mean, one could become fat. Lovely hair at age three and receding hairline by 25 happens all the time. Honey like skin at age eight can rapidly deteriorate into chronic acne by age 16 and beyond redemption by age 25. Lovely eyes at age 14 can deteriorate to thick glasses by Age 17 (while trying to max your Multiple Regression blah) and long sight by age 40 and cataract by age 58. The nose on the other hand can’t go too wrong.

She did have her nose pierced, by the way, when a "particularly gorgeous Mookutti, made of three obscenely large stones" became part of the proposition. What will mothers not do for their family jewels!

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Body-piercing, Nose-ring

His Father Wanted to Know What Clothes I Wear

What do three supposedly intelligent, attractive, single women talk about when they meet up for coffee and conversation? Ex-boyfriends, prospective husbands (and their fathers), and bitching about their husbands-to-be, same place, same time, next year -

His father wanted to know what clothes I wear.

Did you tell him? Bikinis and shorts.

*dirty look* Hmph! We said salwar-kameezes and trousers to work.

I don’t believe this! You actually answered that?

Yeah. And then he wanted to know what I wear at home!!!

@#%$&%$

*disapproving look* I thought of saying - saree with a ghoonghat.

What about burqas - The Devil wonders.

Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Dating, Arranged Marriage

Sexed-Up Su-Do-Ku

First, it was "The Tabloid of India", then the other North Indian dailies followed, and, now, even the so far staid South Indian newspapers are falling in line. Anand Ramachandran reviews the new, improved, tabloid-like Deccan Chronicle -

Sexed-Up Su-Do-Ku – In their crazed efforts to give sex appeal to every square inch of DC, the editors present a new take on the annoyingly popular Su-Do-Ku puzzle. Instead of boring old grids and numbers, the puzzle will now simply feature a blurred picture of a swimsuit model downloaded from the net. At last, all those who are too dumb to solve Su-Do-Ku can now enjoy the popular craze.

The Deccan Chronicle, it seems, is learning from DesiBlogging. Who wants to read boring filter blogs - err, newspapers - anyway?

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Deccan Chronicle, Journalism

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

The one in which Chandru gives a job interview, and is irritated by the good-cop-bad-cop routine and questions on his drinking habit, his goody-good tam-brahmin-ness and his girlfriend -

No, no. I am not at all like this. I am a very good, non-drinking, non-smoking, curd-rice-eating tam-bram. I really am. I would love to work for your company and I can tell you with a clear conscience that your company is the best in its field.

The Devil loves being on an interview panel; The Devil is a sadist!

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Job Interview, Good Cop Bad Cop

Oh Flying Spaghetti Monster!

Why do atheists avoid using the word "God"? Why would somebody torture their tongue and say "Oh Flying Spaghetti Monster!" instead of "Oh God!"?. Gawker ponders over similar wicked questions and lobbies for using the Lord's name in vain -

In fact, if anything, atheists should be using the word "God" even more frequently than religious people. Kind of like how black people took away the offensiveness in the word "nigger" by adopting it for their own use. "Hey Godlover", they should call each other. "Wotup Gawd" could be the new hip salutation, heck, the possibilities are endless. Uttering the Lord's name in vain, wouldn't that be the best way for an atheist to celebrate atheism?

Why not "Oh Devil!", The Devil wonders.

Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, God, Flying Spaghetti Monster

Shoe-less in South Bombay

The one in which Suze decides to see Bombay, is transfered from the airport arrival terminal to local train, drops her slippers in the sea, and ends up shoe-less in South Bombay on a slow Sunday evening -

I got a little paranoid that I would lose my slippers in the weirdly shaped inter-locking rocks on the corniche, so I removed them and kept them to the side. As we get up to leave a while later, I somehow managed to kick my carefully secured slipper over the edge. In the 12.7 seconds it took to fall, several distinct memories flashed before my eyes. Forks that had flown to neighbouring tables at a 5 star restaurant, that were discreetly retrieved by Sh. Days when I decided to take the quickest route down the stairs at the theater, covering 24 steps in 4.8 seconds - face first.

The Devil is much amused.

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Bombay, Mumbai

Wicked, Wicked Baby

The thing with being wicked is that you need to turn on the charm too - just look at how well babies do it! Ayaan is amused as he brings up his parents. An unsuspecting Rohini reports -

Height of Challenge: Ayaan trying to help me with the laundry. To start with, he wants to take the clothes out of the laundry hamper that just happens to be taller than him. Then he wants to carry the clothes to the machine. At first, he tries to lift the whole pile. After attempting this for a while, he decides to scale down his ambitions a bit and picks up a smaller part of the pile. He then takes it to the machine and puts it in. He continues to repeat this till all the clothes are moved but he gets more and more tired so the clothes are dropped off at various points in the route to the washing machine. So the end result is no clothes near the hamper, 3-4 clothes in the machine and all the rest in a long trail from the hamper to the machine.

The Devil loves wicked babies, especially when they are being wicked to their own parents.

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Babies, Mommies

Breastfeeding The Little Devil

All babies are born with invisible horns, but here's one who's wickedness itself. Sunayana breastfeeds The Little Devil and lives to tell the tale -

For, of course, it wouldn't do to start sucking right away, only wimpy, goody-goody babies do that. So he whips his head away, licks everything in reach, pretends there’s no milk available and in general makes a nuisance of himself. Then he finally latches on and starts pulling in real earnest. When I say pull I also include chomping, sucking with the power of a mini Hoover and other related activities all guaranteed to cause the maximum pain one Wee B possibly can. To cap it all, the horror falls asleep with clockwork regularity ten minutes into a feed and then on, sucks lazily, at long intervals, for an hour or more. Let the woman wait.

The Devil, however, has a family audience and must not write wicked posts about breastfeeding, or have wicked thoughts about it. This post, therefore, will be visible only to those who have a wicked imagination!

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Babies, Mommies

The Wicked Guide to Bringing up Parents

Your parents want you to marry? Today? Now? And you don't want to? Not today anyway? According to 'The Wicked Guide to Bringing up Parents' - to get your parents to back off from making marriage plans for you, tell them you really, really, really want to be married, right here, right now, like EducatedUnemployed did -

I agree I should get married soon. I have realised I have physical needs. I have some emotional ones too, and chocolate has stopped doing its job. I need some action in my life, if you know what I mean. I am so incomplete without the tag of being called some one's wife. I should concentrate on finding a man.

Insert 'woman' for 'man', if you are male and straight. Leave it like it is if you are male and not-so-straight, or if you are straight but wicked.

By the way, when my parents wanted me to see a woman for marriage, I told them -

Yes, of course, I'll see her. But I might tell her six months later that I wouldn't marry her because the sex was terrible!

They didn't even give me her telephone number!

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Marriage, Parents

Tamizh Student Tops Hindi Board Exam

Tamizh boy Arun Kedarinathan writes about his trysts with learning Hindi and his ambition to become a Hindi professor to show the Northies that where there's a Tamizh, there's a way -

As I stood up to read... an audience would gather... Several primary school teachers would stand by the class door admiring the flawless diction and command I had over words like "kyon ki", "nahin" and "isiliyae". None of them knew Hindi but like the sole Hindi newscast on the only TV channel (it was just DD then and yes I'm from the stone age), I was pretty much the only source of entertainment for many. Some predicted pundithood and at least a few were sure that I was prequalified for a "Ji" at the end of my name.

The Devil noted, BTW, that Arun even writes his English posts using Hindi grammer, in all smalls, without any CAPITALIZATIONS. Such single-minded dedication!

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Tamizh, Hindi

Shoe-Shopping & Misguided Men

A very confused Sagnik blames 'Sex & The City' for the feminine obsession with shoes, sunglasses and handbags -

Look at us men. If we have a lot of money we buy cars. They take us from point A to point B. They move. They are big. They can hold a lot of purses. They can hold a lot of sunglasses. They can hold a lot of women with a lot of purses and sunglasses. That's what I call an investment. If we have even more money then we spend it on a house and we all know that these houses can hold many such cars! I agree that occasionally we men have been known to spend a lot of money on alcohol but then if you're drunk enough, you reach a level so high where shoes, purses and all other things appear immaterial to you. That's us men. Ain't we deep?

Most men are so misguided that The Devil wants to spank them!

And, for the record, The Devil loves 'Sex & The City', reads Shoefiend daily and has more shoes than is strictly decent!

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Sex & The City, Men&Women

The Devil Digs Wicked Brides

Confused (but funny!) Female on why she wants the marriage, but not the wedding -

Ever since Sooraj Barjatya inflicted that 'Hum Aapke Hain Kaun' flick on us, he's set up umpteen Indian families for failure. Everyone expects multiple functions, a perfect family that stands in one line, dancing with an ever smiling papaji, mamaji, buaji etc. They also expect fluffy dogs that can play cricket, and sensing family tensions, can convey messages between unwilling-to-wed jeejas and saalis...The only fluffy dog in my family is psychotic and likes to bite everyone. He even pees in the house at night when everyone is asleep.

The Devil digs wicked brides!

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Sooraj Barjatya, Wedding

Fingering Food

In a long list of debilitating disabilities, Kraz cannot live with one - his inability to offer back-seat advice on how to improve food -

All this – lack of physical ability, confounded math, or laughably depressing musical ability I have managed to live with. After all, there is a point to which you really care about things and after that you live, you learn.

But there is still one thing that can still make me feel like maybe I missed out on evolution. All you naturalists and bio-historians out there – here I am – the missing link you have been looking for. These moments happen at the most innocuous of places – the dining table.

I mean it’s not like I can’t taste, of course I can. But I would never know what’s wrong. Is the salt less? Is there too much pepper? I don’t know. I know there is something wrong, but can never put my finger on it.

Kraz, my friend, the thing with advice is that it's best given when you don't know what you are saying! So, go ahead, just give it...

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Food, Advice

Why Women Don't Like Birdwatching

Falstaff wonders why women aren't impressed by a man's ability to tell a cheetah from a jaguar by the pattern of its spots, or imitate bird calls -

It all began when I was eight. At that tender age, I was 'volunteered', along with three of my classmates, to represent my school in an Animal Identification Contest. This didn't mean that you got to rank all your teachers and decide which of them was most like a hippo, nor did it involve police line-ups and playing who popped the weasel. It meant that you'd get shown a bunch of photographs of animals and the kid who identified the most would get a prize.

Our activity teacher, a Ms. Sharma, took a distinctly Old Testament view of the question and decided that we contestants must have dominion over the beasts of the field, the fowl in the air and the fish of the sea alike. Ms. Sharma assured us that all this extra knowledge would prove useful 'later in life', though she remained vague about the specific mechanism by which this utility would be achieved.

Ah! The curse of the too-conscientious teacher!

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Birdwatching, Men&Women

Do You Want Me To Bash Him Up?

Heartcrossing - who, btw, is a 'itinerant consultant and single mom' and not a 'him' as DesiPundit calls her (duh!) - lists down ten reasons why men call women even if they don't want a relationship with her -

They have nothing better to do at the time of making the call and would rather spend it talking to a woman than channel surf or browse the web mindlessly or perhaps as an accompaniment to those activities.

The woman's voice on the phone is really nice - you know the kind radio talk show hostesses have. Its a pleasure just to hear her say anything including reading the Hanuman Chalisa or whatever else may be her religious passion.

Sweetheart, did he break your heart? Do you want me to bash him up, long distance? Or, curse him, with a flick of my tail?

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Funny, Wicked, Relationships, Rant

On Friends Who Cannot Stop Talking

Similing Girl bitches about friends who cannot stop talking about their newly acquired fiances/ husbands/ babies-

Please! Will you guys ever learn to answer to the point?

How is life? - Going good.

How is work? - It's ok/ It's boring.

How was the vacation? - It was beautiful.

How is the baby doing? - Good.

That's all that we want to know! Believe me!

Sweetheart, if your friends read that, I'm sure you are left with fewer of them now! And how are the one line conversations going?

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Converstions, Rant

Couples Only Compartment, Anyone?

Saip on why women's shouldn't travel in men's compartments in the Mumbai locals -

After the couple gets into the train, the guy surveys the scene around them. In each and every one of us he sees a Shakti Kapoor or Gulshan Grover, with open salivating mouths and lust in our eyes and bad thoughts in our head. He needs to protect his woman from the bad men who might attack her izzat. He stations her next to the wall so that her rear is protected. He then puts his arms on her shoulders and uses his body as a shield, taking care of the front. The lady is asked to place her arms tightly next to her body. The protection sequence is complete.

His solution - a couples only compartment.

Now, close your eyes, and let The Devil play with your dirty imagination. No seats, only bunk beds for two - or, better still - no seats, only walk in closets for two. Any takers?

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Mumbai, Trains

On Short Skirts In Crowded Kolkata Buses

Rimi lists down the much ignored but extremely trying travails of the somewhat sensitive Calcutta commuter -

The Culture Squad, Ranters, Sympathic Aunties. The confrontational "Why is your skirt so short?", the fakely sweet "Do you NEVER wear salwaar kurtas?", people who talk too loudly, people who will insist on telling you everything about themselves and people who assume you must be a miserable wretch and ask you unburden on them.

- and also mentions in passing that she has had men try to jerk off against her in a crowded bus.

One question though - why wear a short skirt in a crowded bus in Kolkata? Short skirt? Crowded bus? Kolkata? Duh?

Not that I have anything against short skirts. In fact, I whole-heartedly approve of short skirts, especially when they are so short that the stilettos they are worn with are longer than them.

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Kolkata, Rant

Navel-Gazing or Sepia Reflections on Identity?

Anna - the original wicked desi woman at Sepia Mutiny - returns to form with a post on revealing the right amount of brown skin, being propositioned by strangers and finding comfort in (what else?) comfort food:

Though I have learned my lesson and no longer wear anything remotely cute while on 18th street, lest I encourage the invasive jerks who plague my new ‘hood with their assault attempts, all my modest, flesh-concealing layers were barely adequate for the autumn chill. “Ay, Mami…where you going? Come on in.” Three confused desi promoters speak Latin to me half-heartedly. It’s Sunday night and the strip is dead. I think they’re more bored than serious. I smile as I pass them, right before one of them asks the other, “Was she Indian?” That’s the question of the day, apparently.

I read Sepia Mutiny as much for the comments as for the posts themselves and here's Anna at her comment-warring best:

Anonymous: Oh no, more navel-gazing parading as reflections on identity. I'm outta here.

Anna: Oh, no! More craven commenting parading as wit, I'm so glad you're ANONYMOUS and sparing us your value-free presence.

Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10 (2 points for the comment section).

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Identity, ABCD