Youth Hangouts & Camera Phone Capers

The one in which Domain Maximus is featured in Business World as a 'Youth Hangout', 'where people make out' -

Dude they just made your blog sound like some dark corner of Bandstand or that stretch near Reclamation.

Where people make out?

The same.

Where you went last week to test out your new camera phone?

Chill dude! I am in the office on speaker phone!

And the line about tapping phones in investment banks - priceless!

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Camera Phones, Youth Hangouts

Taking Charge on the First Night

Before a month-long bride-hunt trip to India, an ABCD wonders if it's OK to go all the way on the first night. Twisted DNA records the rather over-the-top macho-ness -

X: But what if she doesn’t want me to ask questions and look like I don’t know what I am doing? I think women like their men to be manly. Take charge. Decide things for them.

Me: They may want you to take charge and lead the way in matters such as taking the car out for servicing, but in just about everything else...

X: You are Americanized. Indian women are not like that. They respect the husband. They want the man to be in control. They don’t like sissies who can’t make up their minds. Take my word for it, I am going all the way that night.

And, no, he didn't get any that night!

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, ABCD, Arranged Marriage

His Father Wanted to Know What Clothes I Wear

What do three supposedly intelligent, attractive, single women talk about when they meet up for coffee and conversation? Ex-boyfriends, prospective husbands (and their fathers), and bitching about their husbands-to-be, same place, same time, next year -

His father wanted to know what clothes I wear.

Did you tell him? Bikinis and shorts.

*dirty look* Hmph! We said salwar-kameezes and trousers to work.

I don’t believe this! You actually answered that?

Yeah. And then he wanted to know what I wear at home!!!

@#%$&%$

*disapproving look* I thought of saying - saree with a ghoonghat.

What about burqas - The Devil wonders.

Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Dating, Arranged Marriage

Desi Husband's American Booty Call

Desi woman Jasmine calls 'The Super Snake Show' on Kiss FM to find out whether her husband Raj is cheating on her. Guess what? He is. Much amusement follows (audio clip)-

Hi, this is Raj. How can I be of assistance to you? (when Snake calls him to offer free tickets to the Beyonce concert)

OK, put this message: "Dear Nikki. Thank you for showing me the ways of American love. You are my favorite booty call." She will understand what I mean.(when Snake asks him to put a message for his partner on the ticket)

Sir, there's someone on the line. It sounds somewhat like my wife. (when his wife asks him: "Raj! Who is Nikki?")

The American women, they use the mouth. You don't use the mouth. (when his wife asks him why)

No, the man does not use the mouth, the woman does. And twenty-five percent of the time, you are on the periodical anyway. (when his wife says that he doesn't use the mouth either)

But why are you laughing so hard? (to his wife, when he hears snake laugh in the background)

Yes, I'm in IT support department. (to his wife, when she says that she moved to the US for his career)

What a man! What an audio clip!

Wicked Meter Rating: 10/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Men&Women, Booty Call

Wicked Parties & Drunken Kissing

The one in which eM throws a Halloween party, wears a black sheath and yellow wings, drinks way too much alcohol, kisses way too many men, makes way too many drunken calls, drags other drunken people onto the dance floor, and discovers a new way to write -

eM: (is FINALLY drunk)
eM: (is all wheeeeeeeeee!)
eM: (forgets the rest of the evening)
eM: (is kissed on the mouth by many people)
eM: (wonders why people keep kissing her on the mouth)
eM: (thinks maybe mouth kissing is the new cheek kiss)
eM: (doesn’t want to seem like she’s behind the times)

There's always drunken kissing at The Devil's parties. The Devil must throw a party soon. The Devil must ask eM if she has any plans to visit Bombay.

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Halloween, Drunken Parties

The Devil's Favorite Desi Sinner

On his way back to Karachi, as he ticks off items from his checklist ("Passport? Check. Ticket? Check. Packing? Double-check. Bottle of wine? Check. Appropriate feelings of melancholy? Check. And check once again."), Atif - The Devil's favorite desi sinner - remembers his many sins from an eventful year in London -

Making out with 25 different men at Heaven during EuroPride/the football World Cup, falling asleep on the night bus going into work at 4:00 a.m. and winding up running a mile back to the office. Going to Detroit with a friend from law school and running up a £300 bar tab that was comped because I kissed one of the bartenders in the bathroom. watching a random white man dance to Nimbura in a full sari with the entire performance down pat.

The Devil wishes you the best, my friend. May you sin in Karachi, as you have sinned in London!
Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Sin, London

After Months of Abstinence

The night belongs to The Devil and The Devil thrives on temptations. After months of abstinence, Twilight Thoughts is tempted into first licking it and then finishing it off -

Then temptation swallowed me whole. I wet my dry lips and almost tasted the salt. My stomach did the weirdest flip flops. Cursed. Swore. Stared longingly. Should I? No! I would feel miserable in the morning. Curb your desire woman!

The Devil also does things to the imagination. What were you thinking, wicked people?

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Abstinence, Temptations

The Man With the One Track Mind

The Devil has noticed that, on lazy Sunday afternoons, husbands have a tendency to think about beer, and wives have a tendency to twitch their noses at the thought. Kraz sings of beer, his wife brings out a lyric book, and both of them agree that Kraz has a one-track mind -

Picture yourself at home on a lazy Sunday afternoon. The Beatles are singing... and you are singing along - "...Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers/ That grow so incredibly high/ Newspaper taxis with beer on the shore/ Waiting to take yo..."

And a voice breaks through - "Beer on the shore? Did you just say "BEER" on the shore?"

Now, The Devil is more into wine than beer, but wholeheartedly approves of men (and women) with a one-track mind! Lage raho Kraz!

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Beatles, Beer

Ailments are the New Aphrodisiacs

Ailments are the new aphrodisiacs! Melody wants a lover because she sneezes in the morning and wants him to bring her coffee in bed! Gaurav wants a lover because he loses weight when he is dating!

Melody: But I do love the idea of breakfast in bed – so will settle for hot coffee to warm me up. And that’s why I need the loving mate, to go fetch. I promise you, my health depends upon it.

Gaurav: I need a date because I have extra-wide tyres on my waist. No, seriously, I lose weight when I’m dating and, not only that, I become more ‘beautiful’ all over, almost magically.

The Devil thought at first that both of them needed doctors more than lovers, but then read Melody's comment on Gaurav's post -

How are you with getting coffee in the mornings?

Watch out their comments sections to see what happens next!

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati TagsDesi, Wicked, Funny, Men&Women, Flirtation

The Chick-Blog Hoax

Breaking news! In a shocking revelation that has set the blogosphere talking, Ani aka Gamemaster-G9 has revealed that the popular chick-blog Vishkanya was written by him and Vishnupriya Roychoudhury never existed -

So, not only is this an elegy, it is also something of a confessional. Vishnupriya Roychoudhury is entirely a figment of a very colourful imagination. She was brought to electronic life by a slightly diseased mind with a tiny bit of a god complex. Mine.

To prevent any speculation, The Devil would like to say that The Devil does exist, not in flesh and blood, but in and as wickedness itself, and is not a figment of anybody's imagination.

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Hoax, identity

Breastfeeding The Little Devil

All babies are born with invisible horns, but here's one who's wickedness itself. Sunayana breastfeeds The Little Devil and lives to tell the tale -

For, of course, it wouldn't do to start sucking right away, only wimpy, goody-goody babies do that. So he whips his head away, licks everything in reach, pretends there’s no milk available and in general makes a nuisance of himself. Then he finally latches on and starts pulling in real earnest. When I say pull I also include chomping, sucking with the power of a mini Hoover and other related activities all guaranteed to cause the maximum pain one Wee B possibly can. To cap it all, the horror falls asleep with clockwork regularity ten minutes into a feed and then on, sucks lazily, at long intervals, for an hour or more. Let the woman wait.

The Devil, however, has a family audience and must not write wicked posts about breastfeeding, or have wicked thoughts about it. This post, therefore, will be visible only to those who have a wicked imagination!

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Babies, Mommies

Devil's Little 'Leela'

The Devil shows his 'leela' in little ways. Little n writes a little post on the little ironies of life -

I am officially the person who works the least hours in office.

But then, I also work with a balding, pot-bellied man who gets 75 missed calls in 3 hours from a jilted lover.

Bald, pot-bellied men are suddenly sexy!

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Irony, Bald Pot-bellied Men

Tiger, Tiger Burning Bright

The one in which Peeyush decides to check out the best of London nightlife, walks into 'Tiger, Tiger' with a pretty stranger on his arm, gets mistaken for an Italian, chats up an about-to-be-married nurse, gets propositioned by hookers and men, and spends half the night walking the streets of London -

A baldish guy walks across from the opposite table and says: "Which Bank do you work with?"

I am surprised he can tell, so I tell him I work on the debt side. He seems to be an ex investment banker as well.

He says: "I know who you are, because I am also the same."

Before I can draw any conclusions about the import of the statement, he continues further: "You see, you are trying to fit in, in the company of women, but actually you like men."

Peeyush, my friend, you should have gone home with the bald banker! And four hours on the streets of London, post midnight, and you weren't mugged! That's terrible!

Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, London Nightlife, Tiger Tiger

Apoo Jo's Girls High School

With friends like these, who needs The Devil! Apoo wants to return to India and start 'Apoo Jo's Girls High School', but makes the mistake of telling his friends about it!

He: Man, come back. We'll get piss drunk!
Me: I can do that here!
He: Hmmm... no man, forget USA. Come here, loadsa opportunities here. Know what, we could start something....
Me: I have been wanting to start a school.
He: School?
Me: "Apoo Jo's Girls High School"
He: OK! I will take care of the publicity/marketing.
Me: Cool.... how?
He: I'll have an affair with one of the students. Once the media comes to know, we are famous.

By the way, 'Apoo Jo's Girls High School' is now hiring. Is The Devil allowed to apply?

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Boys&Girls, Vacancies

Tamizh Student Tops Hindi Board Exam

Tamizh boy Arun Kedarinathan writes about his trysts with learning Hindi and his ambition to become a Hindi professor to show the Northies that where there's a Tamizh, there's a way -

As I stood up to read... an audience would gather... Several primary school teachers would stand by the class door admiring the flawless diction and command I had over words like "kyon ki", "nahin" and "isiliyae". None of them knew Hindi but like the sole Hindi newscast on the only TV channel (it was just DD then and yes I'm from the stone age), I was pretty much the only source of entertainment for many. Some predicted pundithood and at least a few were sure that I was prequalified for a "Ji" at the end of my name.

The Devil noted, BTW, that Arun even writes his English posts using Hindi grammer, in all smalls, without any CAPITALIZATIONS. Such single-minded dedication!

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Tamizh, Hindi

Bus Rides & Multiple Orgasms

Wicked woman Rimi pretends she is sleeping to eavesdrop on a conversation about multiple orgasms -

Girl: I mean, I just cannot get off. What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?

Boy: Well... have you tried water?

... long (censored!) explanation follows...

Girl: Boy, you are so tutoring my boyfriend if I fall for those repressed clueless types. You have to!

Boy: Ahh, don’t worry. Anytime. Just give him my number. By the way, that girl over there, purple and black top. I could give her multiple. I can just tell. Just licking my way up from the base of her spine might do the trick. I just know it.

The things people say in public places! And the last paragraph - too wicked!

Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Sex, Multiple Orgasms

Older Men & Vampires

Rimi shares her deepest, darkest sexual fantasies with a woman journalist who is... well... a little overwhelmed -

Rimi: (bites her lips) I like older men. You know? Really older men. And… I have these force fantasies about them.

The woman journalist's jaw drops. Her high-powered glasses slip down her sweaty nose a fraction of a centimetre making the (uncovered) upper half of her eyes bulge, but she doesn’t even notice.

Rimi: (with fake hurriedness) It’s not what you think! I don’t want them to rape me! Strictly speaking (knowing 'bad girl' smile). But you know (drops voice) I want them to have complete power, total control over me. I’d love to be like a slave to their merest whims... only sexually, of course.

Woman Journalist: (gulps) Er...Uh-hum... Um...

Rimi: Plus, most of these men would be married, with kids, probably. So there won’t be those leechy issues with emotional involvement. You know?

Woman Journalist: You mean, you don’t want to get married? Having children is not one of your fantasies?

And I haven't even talked about the part where they talk about vampires!

BTW, Rimi, The Devil likes vampires too!

Wicked Meter Rating: 9/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Fantasy, Sex

Six-Pack Abs & Hot Dieticians

After he couldn't fit into his favorite flat-front cordroys, Sidin decides to join the gym -

A gym membership is to disposable income what a blackhole is to light, a Vadukut is to spicy fish curry and a Bush is to crude producing nations without democracy. These memberships grab impressionable young men and women in their evil sweaty tentacles and suck them dry till the victim is left with no personal wealth except small change and Sodexho passes in awkward denominations.

Yet, in spite of the inevitable financial challenge, everyday thousands of young men weighing millions of kilos fork out hajjar for gym memberships. And they do this with rosy visions of high impact cardio programs, macho free weights routines, six-pack abs and, most importantly, for a decent shot at the hot dietician who comes in once a week.

The Devil, of course, already has six-pack abs!

Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Mumbai, Weight Loss

A Rabbit in the Bedroom

eM really pushes the envelope in a post about... err... ahem... you know... (Ah! even The Devil blushes sometimes!) -

Sex is fun, sure, but if you're at a certain stage in your life and/or you're a little bit picky about who you allow to see you naked, there's only so much action you can get anyway. And though (whisper) masturbation (unwhisper) is something everyone does and no one talks about, it just makes you feel sadder and lonelier and a little bit more like a loser, if your Saturday night involves a Bacardi breezer and Anais Nin. It's a little bit closer to admitting to old age and death and the fact that eventually you're going to be huge and obese and your butt cheeks are going to meld into your leather arm chair and they will find you, with Cheetos spilt everywhere, an inquisitive cockroach on your nose, dead, with your mouth hanging open and your underwear around your knees.

More power to 'Sex & The City'! More power to 'The Rabbit!' The Devil is delighted!

Wicked Meter Rating: 10/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Sex, The Rabbit

Addicted To Words

In a Desicritics piece, Richard Marcus confesses that he is addicted... to words -

I have a problem and the only thing for it is to confess to it and get on with my life. I don't know if they hold meetings for this or not, sort of like Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) does for alcoholics, but I will stand up in this public venue and say to you: My name is Richard Marcus and I'm addicted to words.

It's true - I have no control over this compulsion to use as many words as possible when writing something. If I can use two, even three words, instead of one, I will. Why else would there be such a creature called an adjectival phrase if we're not meant to use it?

Actually, Richard, err, you did use too many there!

Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.

Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Addiction, Writing