All babies are born with invisible horns, but here's one who's wickedness itself. Sunayana breastfeeds The Little Devil and lives to tell the tale -For, of course, it wouldn't do to start sucking right away, only wimpy, goody-goody babies do that. So he whips his head away, licks everything in reach, pretends there’s no milk available and in general makes a nuisance of himself. Then he finally latches on and starts pulling in real earnest. When I say pull I also include chomping, sucking with the power of a mini Hoover and other related activities all guaranteed to cause the maximum pain one Wee B possibly can. To cap it all, the horror falls asleep with clockwork regularity ten minutes into a feed and then on, sucks lazily, at long intervals, for an hour or more. Let the woman wait.
The Devil, however, has a family audience and must not write wicked posts about breastfeeding, or have wicked thoughts about it. This post, therefore, will be visible only to those who have a wicked imagination!
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
Monday, October 30, 2006
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Breastfeeding The Little Devil |
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The Tamizh Village Movie Formula |
Vijayakumar fan Prabhu provides the formula for the perfect Tamizh village movie, with three options each for the opening sequence, the sequence where the hero and the heroine meet and the closing sequence -Heroine takes bath in the lake. What's a village movie without a lake scene? Either a monkey takes away her clothes, or her friends take away her clothes. Hero will give away his veshti to safeguard her. And comedian will make fun of hero, not wearing veshti. Hero will drag the comedians lungi and cover himself. Heroine will get fever since she was in water for long time. And at night, she will dream about hero and sing.
The Tamizh are such funny people!
Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.
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Damn, It's Gonna Blow! |
What happens when four guys in a barbershop listen to the radio while they wait for their turn? They pick up a harmonium and make a hip-hop video! Presenting before you, the very wicked Vallavan (link via Chandru) - Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Music Videos, Vallavan
Now, will somebody translate this for me!?!
Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.
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The Wicked Guide to Bringing up Parents |
Your parents want you to marry? Today? Now? And you don't want to? Not today anyway? According to 'The Wicked Guide to Bringing up Parents' - to get your parents to back off from making marriage plans for you, tell them you really, really, really want to be married, right here, right now, like EducatedUnemployed did -I agree I should get married soon. I have realised I have physical needs. I have some emotional ones too, and chocolate has stopped doing its job. I need some action in my life, if you know what I mean. I am so incomplete without the tag of being called some one's wife. I should concentrate on finding a man.
Insert 'woman' for 'man', if you are male and straight. Leave it like it is if you are male and not-so-straight, or if you are straight but wicked.
By the way, when my parents wanted me to see a woman for marriage, I told them -Yes, of course, I'll see her. But I might tell her six months later that I wouldn't marry her because the sex was terrible!
They didn't even give me her telephone number!
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
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Devil's Little 'Leela' |
The Devil shows his 'leela' in little ways. Little n writes a little post on the little ironies of life - I am officially the person who works the least hours in office. But then, I also work with a balding, pot-bellied man who gets 75 missed calls in 3 hours from a jilted lover. Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Irony, Bald Pot-bellied Men
Bald, pot-bellied men are suddenly sexy!
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
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Tiger, Tiger Burning Bright |
The one in which Peeyush decides to check out the best of London nightlife, walks into 'Tiger, Tiger' with a pretty stranger on his arm, gets mistaken for an Italian, chats up an about-to-be-married nurse, gets propositioned by hookers and men, and spends half the night walking the streets of London - A baldish guy walks across from the opposite table and says: "Which Bank do you work with?"
Peeyush, my friend, you should have gone home with the bald banker! And four hours on the streets of London, post midnight, and you weren't mugged! That's terrible!
I am surprised he can tell, so I tell him I work on the debt side. He seems to be an ex investment banker as well.
He says: "I know who you are, because I am also the same."
Before I can draw any conclusions about the import of the statement, he continues further: "You see, you are trying to fit in, in the company of women, but actually you like men."
Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.
Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, London Nightlife, Tiger Tiger
Sunday, October 29, 2006
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War, Emergency, Nervous Sex & Wickedness |
When war seems imminent, make love, although your children might use it against you! "
It all started off when Amit blogged about a report in Daily Telegraph -North Korea's nuclear test has boosted condom sales and bookings at South Korean "love" hotels," a newspaper said today.
- with a typically uncut -When war seems imminent, make love.
As for blaming parents, The Devil would indeed like to attribute his (rather angelic) wickedness to his parents' hormonal haste - they had him exactly nine months after they were married!
" Wasn't there a theory that many urban Indians (especially Delhi-based ones) born in 1976/1977 are warped and dysfunctional for life because their parents were having "nervous sex" when they were conceived - it being the time of the Emergency. I seek a lot of solace in this theory, otherwise I would have myself to blame for all that's wrong.
- and Amit blogged about it too -Coming to think of it, I don't know any normal people born in 1976/77. To be entirely honest, though, I don't know that many normal people to begin with. Can we all blame it on our parents, you think?
Then Confused wrote to Amit -What is this crap about people born in 1976-77? Especially about those born in 77, see how our arrival ended emergency, for fugs sake, give us some credit, will ya?
- and Amit responded with an update -Ya, right. Like Indira Gandhi took one look at the millions of nervous little babies emerging into the world and said, "Enough, no emergency can be greater than this, let's call elections."
The Devil's thinks that both Jai and Confused might be right - sex during emergency was a very worthy pursuit, although it might have messed up the children. The Devil was born in 1979, after the emergency had ended, which is why The Devil is all angelic, and not like them!
As for blaming parents, The Devil would indeed like to attribute his (rather angelic) wickedness to his parents' hormonal haste - they had him exactly nine months after they were married!
Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.
Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, War, Sex
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Apoo Jo's Girls High School |
With friends like these, who needs The Devil! Apoo wants to return to India and start 'Apoo Jo's Girls High School', but makes the mistake of telling his friends about it! He: Man, come back. We'll get piss drunk!
By the way, 'Apoo Jo's Girls High School' is now hiring. Is The Devil allowed to apply?
Me: I can do that here!
He: Hmmm... no man, forget USA. Come here, loadsa opportunities here. Know what, we could start something....
Me: I have been wanting to start a school.
He: School?
Me: "Apoo Jo's Girls High School"
He: OK! I will take care of the publicity/marketing.
Me: Cool.... how?
He: I'll have an affair with one of the students. Once the media comes to know, we are famous.
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
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Air Deccan Cancels Flight in Mid-Air |
Anand from Son of Bosey had to make an unintentional exit from the aircraft, when leading low-cost carrier Air Deccan unexpectedly cancelled the flight from Chennai to Bangalore in mid-air - Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Air Deccan, Low Cost Airlines"Attention Passengers", came the announcement, "Air Deccan regrets to announce that this flight stands cancelled due to technical reasons. We regret the inconvenience", much to the consternation of all those on board. All passengers were then requested to leave the aircraft, and make alternative arrangements. Complicating matters, while insisting that the passengers de-plane in mid-air so that repairs could be carried out, the crew refused to provide parachutes, jetpacks, or even ladders, sparking off angry reactions.
According to unconfirmed rumours, as Anand - one of the few really wicked desi bloggers - was five feet away from the hitting ground zero, The Devil swooped in Superman-style and saved him. Both The Devil and Anand were not available for comments.
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
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Tamizh Student Tops Hindi Board Exam |
Tamizh boy Arun Kedarinathan writes about his trysts with learning Hindi and his ambition to become a Hindi professor to show the Northies that where there's a Tamizh, there's a way -As I stood up to read... an audience would gather... Several primary school teachers would stand by the class door admiring the flawless diction and command I had over words like "kyon ki", "nahin" and "isiliyae". None of them knew Hindi but like the sole Hindi newscast on the only TV channel (it was just DD then and yes I'm from the stone age), I was pretty much the only source of entertainment for many. Some predicted pundithood and at least a few were sure that I was prequalified for a "Ji" at the end of my name.
The Devil noted, BTW, that Arun even writes his English posts using Hindi grammer, in all smalls, without any CAPITALIZATIONS. Such single-minded dedication!
Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.
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Bollywood Gossip & Long Headlines |
GreatBong gives away the Greatbong Award for Excellence in Journalism (The Howitzer) to IndiaDaily for perfecting the art of the long headline – so that there is no reason to read the news article itself - for their unique olfactory style of reporting, and for their ability to be omnipresenst, even inside the bedrooms and minds of Bollywood babes - Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Bollywood Gossip, Mainstream MediaUnlike correspondents of other newspapers who collect news off the wire from the comforts of their climate-controlled swank offices, the reporters at IndiaDaily are always in harm’s way, right where the action is. For instance, the fact that Kim Sharma and Shamita Shetty fought at a nightspot and tore off each other’s top would have gone unnoticed had it not been for the ever vigilant folks at IndiaDaily who rushed to the spot, oblivious of the risk of being caught in the crossfire and filed a story like none before.
And The Devil thought that only the Tabloid of India correspondents did that!
Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
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The Worst Backup Dancer Outfits in Bollywood |
Beth from Ugly, Ugly, Bollywood Fugly subjects 'Disco Dancer' - one of MithunDa's early masterpieces - to the DesiFugly scanner and comes up with shiny silver belts for men, golden Barbarella boots, black calf-high socks, and capes in all shapes and sizes - Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Disco Dancer, Mithun Da
This might be jumping the gun, but I'm going to go ahead and award these pastel, be-cape-ed, black-socked monstrosities the Worst Backup Dancer Outfits in Bollywood, coordinated for both genders (so individual entries for female and male are still up for grabs)!
Any wicked nominations?
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
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Halloween Horror & Mangal Pandya |
Imagine this... The late 60s... You are a desi woman, newly married and new to America. You are home alone with your baby daughter one night when the doorbell rings... Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Halloween, Mangal PandeyShe looked through the peephole, Jegasothy says, and saw a "really scary person standing outside. So I didn't open the door."
Abhi at Sepia Mutiny builds upto Halloween with a funny anecdote and some wicked costume ideas, including a decidedly delectable 'Mangal Pandya' -
But the ringing didn't stop. One by one, people rang her doorbell. Then a whole group rang, and stood outside, Jegasothy says, "screaming at me through the door." 
The Devil, by the way, is looking forward to his very own Halloween party tonight, and he will be dressed as (what else?) The Devil.
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
Friday, October 27, 2006
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Shoe-Shopping & Misguided Men |
A very confused Sagnik blames 'Sex & The City' for the feminine obsession with shoes, sunglasses and handbags - Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Sex & The City, Men&WomenLook at us men. If we have a lot of money we buy cars. They take us from point A to point B. They move. They are big. They can hold a lot of purses. They can hold a lot of sunglasses. They can hold a lot of women with a lot of purses and sunglasses. That's what I call an investment. If we have even more money then we spend it on a house and we all know that these houses can hold many such cars! I agree that occasionally we men have been known to spend a lot of money on alcohol but then if you're drunk enough, you reach a level so high where shoes, purses and all other things appear immaterial to you. That's us men. Ain't we deep?
Most men are so misguided that The Devil wants to spank them!
And, for the record, The Devil loves 'Sex & The City', reads Shoefiend daily and has more shoes than is strictly decent!
Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.
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Alpana Pours Some, Then Bites Some Too |
Manish from Ultrabrown profiles Alpana Singh - 29 year old Fijian desi, college-dropout, could-be US Airforce pilot, master somelier and author of 'Alpana Pours' - Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Alpana Singh, Alpana PoursBasically, it’s like a chick-book about dating meets a wine book. For example, wine tasting is kind of like speed dating. You go in, and you find the feel for the event, understand that you’ll spend 30 seconds for each wine and feel the impression for yes or no… Wine tastings are like that. You get that general impression; some you know right away that you’re not going to like, others you’re thinking, ‘maybe I’ll walk around with you for a bit,’ and others you’re exclaiming, ‘Slam dunk, where do I buy this?’
While the profile itself is a series of excerpts and not quite wicked, the title ('Alpana Bites') and the photograph definitely are -
Wicked Meter Rating: 5/10.
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Breaking News: The Copulation Census |
Breaking news! Anand Ramachandran at Son of Bosey reports on a comprehensive census launched by the GOI to gain in-depth information about copulation in different parts of the nation. The census is a result of a typo in a memo sent from the PMO, where a 'P' was replaced by a 'C' - Apparently, thousands of census officers will have the delightful job of traversing the length and breadth of the country, collecting details on copulation density, copulation distribution, copulation of senior citizens, and NRI copulation. To facilitate the nationwide survey, the Central Government has requested the State Governments to appoint State Express Census Surveyors (SECS), whose main job will be to collect data on Human Biological Bedroom Activity (HUBBA).
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Copulation, Census
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Why Good Girls Dig Bad Boys |
Sudhish and Shonali on why good girls dig bad boys in their wicked wicked series 'He Says, She Says' -He has a snarling tiger tattooed across his gasp-worthy biceps. His hair hasn't seen a shampoo bottle in weeks, and looks like its been chewed by his pet dog (who's probably called Tarantula). He wears a black leather jacket that's evidently seen happier times. And zooms about town on a wicked-looking bike. Of course, he's irresistible.
The Devil, as you know, is the original bad boy! More power to bad boys!
Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.
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The Devil Digs Wicked Brides |
Confused (but funny!) Female on why she wants the marriage, but not the wedding - Ever since Sooraj Barjatya inflicted that 'Hum Aapke Hain Kaun' flick on us, he's set up umpteen Indian families for failure. Everyone expects multiple functions, a perfect family that stands in one line, dancing with an ever smiling papaji, mamaji, buaji etc. They also expect fluffy dogs that can play cricket, and sensing family tensions, can convey messages between unwilling-to-wed jeejas and saalis...The only fluffy dog in my family is psychotic and likes to bite everyone. He even pees in the house at night when everyone is asleep.
The Devil digs wicked brides!
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Sooraj Barjatya, Wedding
Thursday, October 26, 2006
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Tie-Inside-The-Shirt Fugliness |
DesiDancer takes potshots at the fugliness of 'Don' - Shahrukh's tie-inside the shirt look, Kareena's gold Helen-wannabe costume, Isha's lampshade-like black dress and more (link via Maria) -
While the tie-inside-the-shirt look is decidedly fugly, The Devil did find a wicked Halloween costume idea in the movie - the velvet (!?!) black suit-thing here!
Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.
Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Movies, Don
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What Not to Do When You Woo a Woman |
What not to do when you woo a woman - see Silverine's classification of classroom and corporate romeos who are doomed to fail -'The Traveling Romeo': Apparently…this guy is forever traveling and hence will drop by your seat often on the pretext of giving you Chocolates (from US/UK), Murukku (Chennai), Rasgulla (Kolkata) etc. You realize when you check the packet that they have been bought from Nilgiri’s Departmental Store. He keeps dropping in till you are gagging and probably throws his hand up in despair when you don’t return his affections. After which he probably writes to his mother "maa mein shaadi karne ke liye thaiiyaar hun".
And the fun continues in the comments section too with Iyer Eduction's 'Blogger Romeo' -the one who keeps on asking and tormenting about your next post and how well you wrote the last one...
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
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Monica Belluci, Dogs & Akharas |
Jabberwock compiles a dozen wicked sentences written by him, which, for one reason or another, were expurgated from the stories they were meant to be in (and, in at least one case, caused a minor strain in his relationship with an editor) -– The dogs are expected to walk in a 360-degree arc around the outer ring with their forelegs placed at a small height and their hind legs dragging along the floor; unfortunately, not all of them know this.
The Devil loves it when otherwise predictable A-listers write wicked posts!
– "Main aap se sirf Hindi mein baat karoonga," says the muscular, Adonis-like Russian juggler, folding his hands in greeting, even as the parrots flap their wings and shriek. "Aur yeh hai meri dharmpatni, Svetlana."
– No one, not even the Outlook photographer, is going to persuade me to enter an akhada that doesn't have Monica Bellucci in it.
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
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Fingering Food |
In a long list of debilitating disabilities, Kraz cannot live with one - his inability to offer back-seat advice on how to improve food - All this – lack of physical ability, confounded math, or laughably depressing musical ability I have managed to live with. After all, there is a point to which you really care about things and after that you live, you learn.
Kraz, my friend, the thing with advice is that it's best given when you don't know what you are saying! So, go ahead, just give it...
But there is still one thing that can still make me feel like maybe I missed out on evolution. All you naturalists and bio-historians out there – here I am – the missing link you have been looking for. These moments happen at the most innocuous of places – the dining table.
I mean it’s not like I can’t taste, of course I can. But I would never know what’s wrong. Is the salt less? Is there too much pepper? I don’t know. I know there is something wrong, but can never put my finger on it.
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Food, Advice
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It's the Season of Blog-Breaks |
It's the season of blog breaks and TheBarmaid takes one too, in SuperWoman style! Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Superheroes, Blog-BreaksI always thought that if I was a SuperHero, my SuperPower would be to control time.
And The Devil did, in fact, think that she spent
I mean, sure, my hair would always be really shiny and perfectly tumbling. And sure, my legs would always look really long and amazing despite the fact that I'm only 5-feet tall. And, sure, I'd be able to reduce men to whimpering, blubbering puddles with a mere, smoky-eyed glance. (And, sure, a constant cape and bustier would do wonders to enhance my desirability.)the conventional workweek in lacy lingerie, high heels and smoky eyes, drinking martinis and evaluating my romantic past with snarky contemplation!
Duh, Devil!
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
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Post Coital French Curtains |
eM lists down the reasons why she likes smoking - at work, after work, after a meal, after sex - There is an entire book that can be written about the way people exhale. Do you do it in short puffs? Do you let the smoke langurously escape your mouth in one steady stream? Do you do a Puff the Magic Dragon thing and exhale through your nose? Do you blow smoke rings? (If you do, please teach me, I really, really want to learn) Do you do the 'french curtain'? (Exhale through nose, inhale through mouth till it looks like a white smoke sheet between the two) And of course, there's the sexy sexy way Ethan Hawke did it in Reality Bites where he dangled a cigarette out of one corner of his mouth, inhaling and exhaling without taking it out. Mmm. Ethan Hawke. Mmmm.
The Devil likes Marlboros, by the way.
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Marlboro, Smoking
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Bus Rides & Multiple Orgasms |
Wicked woman Rimi pretends she is sleeping to eavesdrop on a conversation about multiple orgasms - Girl: I mean, I just cannot get off. What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?
The things people say in public places! And the last paragraph - too wicked!
Boy: Well... have you tried water?
... long (censored!) explanation follows...
Girl: Boy, you are so tutoring my boyfriend if I fall for those repressed clueless types. You have to!
Boy: Ahh, don’t worry. Anytime. Just give him my number. By the way, that girl over there, purple and black top. I could give her multiple. I can just tell. Just licking my way up from the base of her spine might do the trick. I just know it.
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Sex, Multiple Orgasms
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Rebound Boyfriend Services |
Chandru offers a suite of his services to other bloggers as Selective Amnesia Services Ltd. - Rebound Boyfriend Services: My ego is vast, unbound and limitless. Whatever little dent it might suffer from being the second choice boyfriend will be negligible. Especially because I have enough experience in this field. I will console you, buy you copious amounts of coffee/ice cream and help heal your poor soul back to normal. In return, you will promise to read my blog and comment on 4-5 posts. That should in return patch up that above-mentioned dent.
Chandru, now that The Devil has linked you twice, why don't you... well... start servicing?
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, The Service Economy, Weird
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Why Women Don't Like Birdwatching |
Falstaff wonders why women aren't impressed by a man's ability to tell a cheetah from a jaguar by the pattern of its spots, or imitate bird calls - It all began when I was eight. At that tender age, I was 'volunteered', along with three of my classmates, to represent my school in an Animal Identification Contest. This didn't mean that you got to rank all your teachers and decide which of them was most like a hippo, nor did it involve police line-ups and playing who popped the weasel. It meant that you'd get shown a bunch of photographs of animals and the kid who identified the most would get a prize.
Ah! The curse of the too-conscientious teacher!
Our activity teacher, a Ms. Sharma, took a distinctly Old Testament view of the question and decided that we contestants must have dominion over the beasts of the field, the fowl in the air and the fish of the sea alike. Ms. Sharma assured us that all this extra knowledge would prove useful 'later in life', though she remained vague about the specific mechanism by which this utility would be achieved.
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Birdwatching, Men&Women
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
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Welcome to the Laddoo Shop |
Inspired by 50 Cent's 'Candy Shop', a desi couple makes a music video called 'Laddoo Shop' -
Now, the guy is a geek, and not wicked at all, but the woman is hot hot hot!
Wicked Meter Rating: 9/10.
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Older Men & Vampires |
Rimi shares her deepest, darkest sexual fantasies with a woman journalist who is... well... a little overwhelmed -Rimi: (bites her lips) I like older men. You know? Really older men. And… I have these force fantasies about them.
And I haven't even talked about the part where they talk about vampires!
The woman journalist's jaw drops. Her high-powered glasses slip down her sweaty nose a fraction of a centimetre making the (uncovered) upper half of her eyes bulge, but she doesn’t even notice.
Rimi: (with fake hurriedness) It’s not what you think! I don’t want them to rape me! Strictly speaking (knowing 'bad girl' smile). But you know (drops voice) I want them to have complete power, total control over me. I’d love to be like a slave to their merest whims... only sexually, of course.
Woman Journalist: (gulps) Er...Uh-hum... Um...
Rimi: Plus, most of these men would be married, with kids, probably. So there won’t be those leechy issues with emotional involvement. You know?
Woman Journalist: You mean, you don’t want to get married? Having children is not one of your fantasies?
BTW, Rimi, The Devil likes vampires too!
Wicked Meter Rating: 9/10.
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Six-Pack Abs & Hot Dieticians |
After he couldn't fit into his favorite flat-front cordroys, Sidin decides to join the gym - A gym membership is to disposable income what a blackhole is to light, a Vadukut is to spicy fish curry and a Bush is to crude producing nations without democracy. These memberships grab impressionable young men and women in their evil sweaty tentacles and suck them dry till the victim is left with no personal wealth except small change and Sodexho passes in awkward denominations.
The Devil, of course, already has six-pack abs!
Yet, in spite of the inevitable financial challenge, everyday thousands of young men weighing millions of kilos fork out hajjar for gym memberships. And they do this with rosy visions of high impact cardio programs, macho free weights routines, six-pack abs and, most importantly, for a decent shot at the hot dietician who comes in once a week.
Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.
Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Mumbai, Weight Loss
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Spam Newsletters & Haunted Houses |
Inspired by a spam newsletter from a legal site - "as a home seller, are you obligated to disclose paranormal activity?" - GreatBong tells a story about a haunted house in Kolkata - Sellers should disclose grisly facts about the house, so they will not be 'haunted' later. Even if not required by state law, in order to soothe the spirits of prospective buyers and avoid lawsuits, the seller should be upfront about their home’s paranormal guests or ghoulish histories.
Wicked Meter Rating: 5/10.
Unlike in US, in India it is the neighbours who inform prospective buyers and renters: so no need for litigation.
Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Kolkata, Haunted House, Supernatural
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All Blogging is Based on Deception |
Abhi from Sepia Mutiny writes that Sepia Mutiny is run on the lines of Sun-Tzu's teachings in 'Art of War' and Krishna's teachings in 'Bhagwad Gita' -- All blogging is based on deception. Hence, when able to blog, we must seem unable; when writing a post, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the readers believe we are far away; when far away, we must make them believe we are near. Hold out baits to entice the reader. Feign disorder, and crush them.
Even the men at Sepia Mutiny have become wicked!
- Those who consciousness is unified abandon all attachment to the results of their blog posts and attain supreme peace. But those whose desires are fragmented, who are selfishly attached to the comments generated by their work, are bound to the blog by every post they write.
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
Monday, October 23, 2006
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A Rabbit in the Bedroom |
eM really pushes the envelope in a post about... err... ahem... you know... (Ah! even The Devil blushes sometimes!) -Sex is fun, sure, but if you're at a certain stage in your life and/or you're a little bit picky about who you allow to see you naked, there's only so much action you can get anyway. And though (whisper) masturbation (unwhisper) is something everyone does and no one talks about, it just makes you feel sadder and lonelier and a little bit more like a loser, if your Saturday night involves a Bacardi breezer and Anais Nin. It's a little bit closer to admitting to old age and death and the fact that eventually you're going to be huge and obese and your butt cheeks are going to meld into your leather arm chair and they will find you, with Cheetos spilt everywhere, an inquisitive cockroach on your nose, dead, with your mouth hanging open and your underwear around your knees.
More power to 'Sex & The City'! More power to 'The Rabbit!' The Devil is delighted!
Wicked Meter Rating: 10/10.
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Addicted To Words |
In a Desicritics piece, Richard Marcus confesses that he is addicted... to words -I have a problem and the only thing for it is to confess to it and get on with my life. I don't know if they hold meetings for this or not, sort of like Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) does for alcoholics, but I will stand up in this public venue and say to you: My name is Richard Marcus and I'm addicted to words.
Actually, Richard, err, you did use too many there!
It's true - I have no control over this compulsion to use as many words as possible when writing something. If I can use two, even three words, instead of one, I will. Why else would there be such a creature called an adjectival phrase if we're not meant to use it?
Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.
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Do You Want Me To Bash Him Up? |
Heartcrossing - who, btw, is a 'itinerant consultant and single mom' and not a 'him' as DesiPundit calls her (duh!) - lists down ten reasons why men call women even if they don't want a relationship with her - They have nothing better to do at the time of making the call and would rather spend it talking to a woman than channel surf or browse the web mindlessly or perhaps as an accompaniment to those activities.
Sweetheart, did he break your heart? Do you want me to bash him up, long distance? Or, curse him, with a flick of my tail?
The woman's voice on the phone is really nice - you know the kind radio talk show hostesses have. Its a pleasure just to hear her say anything including reading the Hanuman Chalisa or whatever else may be her religious passion.
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
Technorati Tags: Desi, Funny, Wicked, Relationships, Rant
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Is it a Bird? Is it a Plane? It's a Nuke! |
It was a waste of a day, until Chandru saved it with his sarcasm (here and here) - Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Sarcasm, Community BlogsSomebody famous once said, "The cruelest words in English are, 'If only'". Shivam today invites people to nuke his blog. If only.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Oh no! It’s BlogBharti. And it’s got Shivam and Krish in it? Oh wow! Oh, please?
The Devil finally has his way!
Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.
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On Friends Who Cannot Stop Talking |
Similing Girl bitches about friends who cannot stop talking about their newly acquired fiances/ husbands/ babies-Please! Will you guys ever learn to answer to the point?
Sweetheart, if your friends read that, I'm sure you are left with fewer of them now! And how are the one line conversations going?
How is life? - Going good.
How is work? - It's ok/ It's boring.
How was the vacation? - It was beautiful.
How is the baby doing? - Good.
That's all that we want to know! Believe me!
Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.
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Oh Yeah, My Dad is a Snake-Charmer! |
Sayesha uses sarcasm against stereotypes -Yes, we kill all the female infants at birth. Except, of course, those who look like they're gonna bring home the Miss Universe or Miss World crown.
She does become a little boring when she switches to the 'yes, but hah! strategy, but it's a slow weekend for The Devil, so...
Oh yeah, my dad is a snake-charmer. All dads in India are. You didn't know that?? Really??
Yeah, it's our culture to sing and dance around coconut trees. Our ancient texts specifically mention it.
Yeah, that's how we wear a sari. We lay it flat on the floor, lie down against one edge and just roll and roll till we reach the other end.
Wicked Meter Rating: 5/10.
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Mithun Da Underwear, Anyone? |
In a moment of Devil-may-care madness, GreatBong launches a signature clothing line inspired by Mithunism, voodoo art, intellectual bankruptcy and the desire to make a buck -The world desperately craves for a line of fashion that appeals to an alternate aesthetic, apparel that pokes you in the eye with a statement, a collection of garments that cry out 'This IS me', a force of nature that does to the Gandhi penstroke and the Che-Bob Marley T-shirt design what Attila the Hun did to the Roman Empre.
While the t-shirts are OK, it's the innerwear with Mithun Da’s immortal 'Do, char, chaaye, aath, dus…Bus!' printed on it that is likely to be a best-seller. Fashion will indeed never be the same again!
Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
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The Backroom Guide to Eating Out in Mumbai |
Sensorcaine takes a walk on the dark side -I have seen the backs of more restaurants and pubs than I care to remember. Now I know what you’re thinking… get your mind out of the gutter- that’s NOT how Pickwick was conceived. In fact it is precisely because of Pickwick that I have the … er… privilege of visiting these places. Well, it’s either visiting the back room, or flashing unsuspecting customers, making them swallow their soup the wrong way. Very unsettling. And totally bad for business.
- and finds rodents, spiders, sweaty t-shirts and an innovative way to rate restaurants. Coming up - 'The Backroom Guide to Eating Out in Mumbai'!
Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.
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Man Eaters Running Wild |
The ever-reliable Iyer-Eduction predicts that Bollywood stars will soon tire of their daily soaps, ads and reality shows on the small screen and channel all their meagre creative talents into these mega-serials on Animal Planet - Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Bollywood, Animal PlanetWild On The Set: This would be a post 23:30 program… you know… the… ahem… types. Superstars on this one are quite popular with the common junta and would include the likes of Meghna Naidu, Payal Rohatgi, Mallika Sherawat and last but not the least the legendary SILK SMITHA. (We surely are going to watch this one)
Very wicked, especially The Man Eater bit. Grrr! The Devil is wild with anticipation!
Man Eaters: Any guesses? Yes you guessed it correctly. This would be a serial to showcase the biography and the life cycle of the won and wonly Rekha. Don’t miss it in case you don’t know anything about her life.
Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.
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Well-Endowed-Starlets and Amoral-News-Channels |
Chamique peeks into the world of Well-Endowed-Starlets and Amoral-News-Channels - A certain Well-Endowed-Starlet who was in no real need of further exposure (pun obviously intended) stepped into the TV studio, demurely dressed as compared to her onscreen persona, ready for her interview. The producer took one look at her and barked - ‘What the hell is she wearing?’ - and instructed one of the anchors to take her to the green room and dress her more appropriately. Well-Endowed-Starlet was handed a tiny ‘inner’ that news anchors wear under their sophisticated formal jackets. Did she do it? The top Hindi news channel, dahlings! She’d be an idiot to refuse!
Even before I started wondering 'which starlet?' and 'which channel?', it occured to me that in a world bursting over with Well-Endowed-Starlets (pun obviously intended) and Amoral-News-Channels, the 'which one?' question doesn't really matter. Or does it?
Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.
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Confessions of a Celebrity Dog Trainer |
Sonia looks at Gawli and Guljar through her celebrity dog trainer's eyes -Then at one time I was training Gulzar's dog. Someone came up to me one day and asked (imagine the shamelessness of these people!): "Can you get me Rakhee's number?" I said, "Here's Gulzar's number. Why don't you call him up and say, 'what's your wife's private line?'"
What next? A zillion dollar book advance for 'Confessions of a Celebrity Dog Trainer'.
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
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Shoe-Shopping & Sex |
M on her love-hate relationship with shoes -Someone once said shoes are like comfort food to a woman. Shoe shopping can be emotionally satisfying, psychologically therapeutic, self uplifting, mood elevating and can even improve your sex-life. Or so I have been told. And although I could never hold a candle to Claire or Carrie, needless to mention Imelda Marcos, there was a time, back in India, when I would go shopping just to find the perfect pair of shoes. And yes, it was everything shoe shopping is made out to be. That is... until I came to the US.
Now, M, if show-shopping can improve your sex-life, and you haven't been doing it, have you been doing it? (Oops! Too wicked!)
Wicked Meter Rating: 5/10.
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Couples Only Compartment, Anyone? |
Saip on why women's shouldn't travel in men's compartments in the Mumbai locals -After the couple gets into the train, the guy surveys the scene around them. In each and every one of us he sees a Shakti Kapoor or Gulshan Grover, with open salivating mouths and lust in our eyes and bad thoughts in our head. He needs to protect his woman from the bad men who might attack her izzat. He stations her next to the wall so that her rear is protected. He then puts his arms on her shoulders and uses his body as a shield, taking care of the front. The lady is asked to place her arms tightly next to her body. The protection sequence is complete.
His solution - a couples only compartment.
Now, close your eyes, and let The Devil play with your dirty imagination. No seats, only bunk beds for two - or, better still - no seats, only walk in closets for two. Any takers?
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
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On Short Skirts In Crowded Kolkata Buses |
Rimi lists down the much ignored but extremely trying travails of the somewhat sensitive Calcutta commuter - The Culture Squad, Ranters, Sympathic Aunties. The confrontational "Why is your skirt so short?", the fakely sweet "Do you NEVER wear salwaar kurtas?", people who talk too loudly, people who will insist on telling you everything about themselves and people who assume you must be a miserable wretch and ask you unburden on them.
- and also mentions in passing that she has had men try to jerk off against her in a crowded bus.
One question though - why wear a short skirt in a crowded bus in Kolkata? Short skirt? Crowded bus? Kolkata? Duh?
Not that I have anything against short skirts. In fact, I whole-heartedly approve of short skirts, especially when they are so short that the stilettos they are worn with are longer than them.
Wicked Meter Rating: 6/10.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
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Amit Varma Wants To Hump |
Even Amit Varma can be wicked, even if it's only six words:Title: I'm Meterosexual
Amit, is that a city of cows, by the way?
Post: I want to hump a city.
Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.
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Navel-Gazing or Sepia Reflections on Identity? |
Anna - the original wicked desi woman at Sepia Mutiny - returns to form with a post on revealing the right amount of brown skin, being propositioned by strangers and finding comfort in (what else?) comfort food:Though I have learned my lesson and no longer wear anything remotely cute while on 18th street, lest I encourage the invasive jerks who plague my new ‘hood with their assault attempts, all my modest, flesh-concealing layers were barely adequate for the autumn chill. “Ay, Mami…where you going? Come on in.” Three confused desi promoters speak Latin to me half-heartedly. It’s Sunday night and the strip is dead. I think they’re more bored than serious. I smile as I pass them, right before one of them asks the other, “Was she Indian?” That’s the question of the day, apparently.
I read Sepia Mutiny as much for the comments as for the posts themselves and here's Anna at her comment-warring best:Anonymous: Oh no, more navel-gazing parading as reflections on identity. I'm outta here.
Anna: Oh, no! More craven commenting parading as wit, I'm so glad you're ANONYMOUS and sparing us your value-free presence.
Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10 (2 points for the comment section).
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The Dilemma of Desi Dating |
Taz from Sepia Mutiny leaves behind her 'lets analyze this' ways and writes two wicked posts on the dilemmas of desi dating (here and here):As an ABCD youth one often had to deal with the projection by your peers that the only people you were expected to date is that one other desi in the school, even though you had nothing in common with them. Forget the fact that you weren’t allowed to date; if you had been, there was no one there for you to date, in the often confusing bi-cultural high school years. For me, this reminds me of senior
prom. And prom reminds me of how my mother wouldn’t let me go to prom unless I went with my gay guy friend because only then would she know nothing would happen to me on prom night. How’s that for bi-cultural confusion?Much like the girls on Sex and the City would get together to dish, my girls and I will get together and dish about the dilemmas of Dating while Desi. In these talks, we girls will touch on questions such as, "Do you date desi only or non-desis or anyone but white boys? Do your parents sneak around behind your back with biodata and pictures? Do your parents give out your numbers to guys that call and don't leave messages - from obscure area codes? Do your parents even know that you date? Where do you find desi guys that haven't gone back to South Asia to get their bride already?" These questions (and more) are indicative to the plight of the single, 25 yr.+, independent-thinking desi girl.
And the wickedness continues in the comment section with the very auspicious first one:Quit trying to be so profound!
Anna, you have competition now at the Sepia Mutiny stakes!
Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10 (2 points for the comment sections).
Friday, October 20, 2006
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The Bombshell at the Bus Stop |
Falstaff chats up a bombshell of a woman at a bus stop -She's beautiful. Short hair, coal black eyes and a face straight out of Modigliani. Loose gray sweater, dark blue tights. The kind of legs that have spent long hours at the gym. Dancer's legs. The light from the street lamp outlining her in gold. A downtown Danae. A bus stop Venus.
In the end, however, it's his mobile phone that does the trick and not his copy of the New Yorker. And, watch out for the explosive twist ending.
He reminds himself he mustn't stare. Pretends to go back to his magazine, holding it up high in the air, hoping she'll notice it's the New Yorker and be impressed. Thinking to himself, yes, I really am that shallow. Feeling strangely elated that it's been fifteen minutes since she got here and the bus still hasn't come.
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10
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Forbidden Fruit |
Ideasmith forgets her good Tamizh girl ways and checks out another woman in a train: She reminds me of a fresh peach. Clean, wholesome and full. A ripe peach is a delight for all the senses - the eyes, the nose, the skin and the tongue. The slight downy hair on her arms tells me that she’s either very young and uninitiated into the horrors of waxing or so cool that she doesn’t give a damn. I briefly speculate on whether these are my semi-lesbian fantasies. It's possible. I usually display this degree of interest in men I’m attracted to. Sometimes I do think of them in terms of food. But where the men have been strong, finely created flavours - chocolate, wine, coffee, tequila - this is the first time I’ve thought of someone as a fruit.
Bi-curious fantasies are hot hot hot and so are coming out of the closet posts. And while we are at it, do check out Selma's own coming out of the closet comment. Very wicked!
Wicked Meter Rating: 8/10.
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Will You Take a Shower With Me? |
Sunshine takes a shower with her neighbour:You know what? I would be taking the shower. So you could take it with me.
Before you get all hot and bothered and head for the shower, let me tell you that she's being a bit of a tease here. But being a tease is wicked too, no?
Holy shit!!!! I just dropped my jaws and stopped dead in my tracks. He did too. How did this guy make such lewd remarks and still manage to look so cool and unperturbed? In fact, he was smiling a faint smile. He didn’t look drunk. He didn’t look like a rapist either. But wait, the fact that he is a rapist isn’t ever written on a man’s face, is it?
What did you just say? I was trying hard not to lose my calm. Carefully, I squinted in the sun to look at his face as he repeated his offer again.
Wicked Meter Rating: 5/10.
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Groin Flutters |
The Compulsive Confessor - or eM - on handling dates and groin flutters:But groin flutters can be unpredictable. You could have a flutter at the beginning of an evening, when he comes to pick you up but then he could screw up all the groin flutters by picking his nose. On the other hand, I could decide very early in the evening that I just wasn't attracted to the dude, and then, something in the evening could bring on serious butterflies. Like the other night, I went out with this dude, friend-type, and I had pretty much decided earlier that I wouldn't flirt with him, but then he leaned over to kiss me hello and I got a whiff of whatever cologne he was wearing, and oh. The evening was suddenly filled with sparkly, spangly excitement.
Now, eM is always wicked - in fact, that's her calling card, like mine - but here, she has exceeded herself by calling this post 'Obligatory Sex Post'!
Wicked Meter Rating: 7/10.
Technorati Tags: Desi, Wicked, Funny, Sex, Dating
